In an extraordinary move intended to ease recessionary burden and tackle binge drinking, the coalition government is set to abolish the traditional sequence of days of the week.
Less ability to organise meetings and generally plan our lives, as well as an uncertainty about being able to tackle the professional effects of getting drunk, will alleviate numerous recessionary tensions, according to the proposal document.
“Everyone knows Britain would be better if we all just chilled out a bit” said David Cameron, through a plume of dense, sickly smoke. “This move, while we appreciate its radical nature, will be welcomed by people. Nobody really LIKES planning things after all. Making lists, yes. Planning, no. Knowing that Monday will follow Sunday, and Tuesday will follow that, those balling Sunday night butterflies: all gone. The knowledge of predictable Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday – poof! Vanished.
“Finely scheduled meetings and events are a bore. If we wake up without the certainty of knowing what day of the week it is, then we must simply all just roll with it. If we find the midnight draw has revealed it’s a Sunday, stay in bed. If it’s Thursday the 14th – then get out and move because you’d orchestrated a seminar for this date, although you didn’t know when it would be. There’s the new excitement there, the unpredictability. Consider this a reinjection and reinvigoration of edgy British life through simply not knowing.”
Nick Clegg managed to stifle his previously uncontrollable giggles to echo the sentiments, before going on to add: “We all know routine is dull. Days of the week are outdated now and have been for a long time. We need rather more spontaneity in our otherwise tepid lives today and these plans will deliver that. Sure, it’ll take a short time to adjust and the markets might go a little wobbly for a few days. But hey: it’ll be fun, guys, you know? Just go with us on this one.”
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